黑马非马: 语言中的磕磕碰碰 (娱乐至上)

New element on the periodic table

Study of recent hurricane and gasoline issues[1] have proved the existence of a new chemical element. A major Washington-based research institution[2] has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.” Governmentium (Gv)[3] has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,[4] which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.[5] Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.[6]

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction,[7] which would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years;[8] it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places[9]. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.[10] This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.[11]

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium(Am) —an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.[12]

Notes:

[1]通过我个人的非正式考古工作, 这东西是在出现在Jan 2006(当然也可能更早). Hurricane是在说2005年8月出现的五级飓风卡特里娜(Hurricane Katrina); 而gasoline issues就不言而喻了, 这一向是普罗大众所关注的,尤其在美国这样的一个活在汽车里的国度;

[2]华盛顿向来不缺各式各样的智库(think tank, 智囊团), 位于华府的研究机构比较容易和这种新元素(Gv)挂起钩来(选这个这个地方, 对后文的解释比较有利);

[3]大多数化学元素英文名都是以"ium"结尾的, 此处也不免俗 :) 而稍微有点常识的人都知道, 元素一般是由质子、中子和电子组成的. 而文中该元素原子核是由一个neutron, 二十五个 assistant neutrons, 八十八个deputy neutrons, 和198个 assistant deputy neutrons组成的, 这显然是有悖于常理的, 但在这里很合理, 一个neutron是一把手, 外带25个助理, 88个副手, 198个副手助理, 无不映射着政府这庞大臃肿的机构, 浪费着纳税人的钱;

[4]一般原子中的粒子是以核力来结合的. 而这种新原子Gv很神奇, 当然也是有专有名词(moron)来形容这股力量的 (凝聚并维系政府运转的无形的手就是那帮蠢货加白痴), 这种新元素叫"Governmentium (Gv)", 在形式上, 和政府"government"在血缘上就有了表亲关系(好戏就这样开始了);

[5]大量的peon(就是我们常说的小人物, 弱势群体etc.)围在Gv周围(这点不难理解, 工人农民撑起了这国家);

[6]由于Gv没有围绕其兜圈圈的自由电子(政府里头没有认真做实事的人), 因此其在化学上就表现为惰性(这一点对学化学的同学比较容易理解^_^), 即Gv什么也做不了! 但还是比较容易被发现, 因为它常常阻止其他化学反应的顺利进行(不为人民谋福祉, 人民自然会发现他们没得到什么实际好处, 就会发现机器在哪里出了问题);

[7]正所谓船小好掉头, 政府雇员少, 分工就清晰, 职责就明确, 办事就利索, 效率自然而然就上来了(可相对于化学反应的进行);

[8]元素有半衰期(half-life), 这是简单的知识点, 若半衰期不多不少正好是四年, 这样就有意识了:一届政府任期也是这个时间;

[9]政府也不会自己就瓦解掉(元素也不会自行消亡), 它会在组织内进行职位重整, 各种neutron也挪屁股(ass)继续"发挥作用"(半衰期后的原子发生什么现象, 学物理or化学的同学可能比较了解);

[10]实际上随着时间的推延, 政府也会做一些相应的扩招, 尤其像我们现在这样, 通过某种关系和交换, 一些力量(moron)变成了体制内的neutron;

[11]随着这种力量(moron)占据主导力量, 达到某个临界, 新元素Governmentium(Gv) 就横空出世了, 这时候, 这个力量的程度可称为Critical Morass.(注: morass = moron + ass, moron转化为netron, 也要有地方给其ass弄出一块地来   ass是一个好词汇)

[12]当使用money这种催化剂时, 可使Gv进行嬗变, 即Governmentium(Gv) 转变成 Administratium(Am), Am就开始发挥它的力量(moron?)做一些实事, 你不信它会做实事? 没听说过money是万能的吧?

小结: 由于我本身所学专业缘故, 刚开始看的时候, 就很有兴趣, 一揣摩, 就知道这篇小文是讽刺(Bush)政府及其雇员在处理(自然)灾难等问题上的不力作为. 和化学元素结合起来的异曲同工, 很有点意思. 花了大约100min的时间写就本文. 文中对元素Gv和政府的注释次序我自己也不敢恭维, 思维在两者之间跳动, 有点杂乱. 汗颜-_-!!